Love histories
          Ser Guapos

Gay men, for obvious reasons, have fewer options than lesbians do when it comes to having kids. So this weekend, the Center helps wanna-be dads figure out how to go for it, through surrogacy, in its fourth annual seminar “Men Having Babies.” In it, experts offer emotional support, advice and facts, such as the differences between traditional and gestational (involving a carrier and an egg donor) surrogacy.

B.J. Holt, 41, general manager for Broadway shows, dad to Christina, 11 months, through gestational surrogacy; Upper West Side

Why did you want to be a father?
A desire to give a child everything you can and to teach them things that are going to help them grow.

What’s been a surprise?
How it feels to actually experience her experiencing things for the first time. It’s more magical than I ever thought it would be.

What’s been challenging?
Trying to figure out how to teach her what’s right from wrong the right way.

What’s been surprising?
Parsons: People are able to prepare you for how hard it is, but nobody is ever able to fully convey the other side—the joy, happiness and connection you feel to this other person. It’s just amazing.

What’s been challenging?
Balancing work, career, family, relationship. It’s not just the two of you anymore, which is great and wonderful, but there are times when you miss your partner.

How do you meet other gay dads, and how important is it?
We’ve had to work at it—through the Center, online, friends of friends, surrogacy websites, the Rosie [R Family Vacations] cruise. It’s important because being two dads in a predominantly hetero world is a bit of an adjustment. You wonder, How does this affect your masculinity? How does it affect your sense of self?

Jeffrey Parsons, 41, psychology professor; Chris Hietikko, 45, actor; fathers to Henry, 2, through traditional surrogacy; Upper West Side

What’s been a surprise?
D’Amico: How expensive diapers are! And the sense of feeling like I can never do
enough; if I’m sitting on the floor with him eight out of nine hours, I look at that one
hour I wasn’t with him.

What’s been a challenging?
Adjusting to the lifestyle change and letting go of that free time you had.

How do you have fun with Lukas?
He enjoys dancing more than anything, but also putting puzzles together and reading.
One of our favorite places to go is the water park, with all the fountains, along the
West Side Highway.

Vinnie D’Amico, 42, high school fine arts teacher; R.J. Raimo, 41, sales engineer; fathers to Lukas, 2 ½, through adoption from Guatemala; Green Brook, NJ

What’s surprised you?
Ron: Walking around with my guts exposed! You feel so vulnerable all of a sudden—like,
God forbid something goes wrong with them, or someone hurts them. It’s a constant.

What’s fun to do as a family?
We love biking, going to Central Park and Riverside Park, Broadway shows, the Museum
of Natural History. Plus we’ve been spending a month in [my native] Israel every summer.

Ron Poole-Dayan, 45, marketing consultant; Greg Poole-Dayan, 42, nurse; fathers to twins Elinor and Tomer, 7 ½, through gestational surrogacy; Bronx

Why did you want to be a dad?
I always knew that there were a couple of things that brought me joy, and one,
unequivocally, was children. I thought it would be a tragic thing to do it single, but
then something shifted, and I thought, I can do it!

What’s been most surprising?
I knew it would be gratifying, but I never knew how much fun it would be.
It’s this experience of being with someone you really love.

How do you meet other gay dads, and is it important?
Usually through online Listservs, through the Deeper Dating: a Date, a Dream and a
Diaper events I do at the Center, and through the adoption grapevine. It is important
to me, but it’s superimportant to David. In our society, one can not have a dad. But to
not have a mom is seen as having a hole in your being. So it’s important to be in circles
where there are only dads.

Ken Page, 52, psychotherapist, father to David, 7, through adoption from Cambodia; Long Beach, NY

Why did you want to be a father?
I always envisioned myself as a parent, but there was a period of time in my life when I thought it would be impossible, so I had shelved the notion. Then I researched surrogacy and spoke with my sister, who agreed to be the carrier, and everything clicked.

What’s been surprising?
That the world generally expects, when they see a father with his toddler, that there’s a mom lurking around. So a lot of interaction revolves around the belief that you’re the more-helpless-dad parent. I get a lot of advice, a lot of “Oh my goodness! Can I help you with that?” Many times people ask where the mother is. I try to explain it, because I think it’s important to destigmatize it.

Lavi Soloway, 41, immigration lawyer, father to Lily, 17 months, through gestational surrogacy; Upper West Side

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